...beyond...

I missed out on a lot in life... today I woke up with this feeling of being such a waste... as if my existence didn't matter... you know the feeling! .. where you feel worthless... maybe thats not the case but still the feeling doesn't leave... i feel all is blank around me... I have the same routine everyday... nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back at! ... its just so not a feeling I wanna live with..

Work isn't the same.. no productivity.. I wanna study but cannot put my mind in one place... its blank and so clouded at the same time... i get confused... and someone said thats a good thing... confusion leads to change... but i see nothing changing... I forgot when was the last time when I was clear in my thoughts... I am not clear at all.... its like someone has splashed water on the glass and nothing is visible beyond what I am... why is it happening?? ... I have no decisions to take... stopped thinking ... (cannot stop thinking, but have put a stop to thinking what I am thinking about) ... so yeah all that is at a halt.. but I feel stagnant.. how can one be normal.. or maybe this is normal... just not in my comprehension! ...

Music!

yeah... its true... that even a person like me can be happy just by listening to songs that cheer u up! ... its ironic, since i tell everyone "happiness depends on ur own will" ... hehehe! ... it depended more on the music i was listening to today... it was fun, a lot of it was coz i had nothing more to do plus the fact that i had just attended two mehndi's... dance, masti and a lot of songs to perk up the spirits... now i am thinking of joining a dance musical some where... coz i know i love to dance as well :) ... la lala lalaaaa laaaadeeedaaaa... :D I wanna sing tooo... and now i wana tell u a secret too... I want someone in my life who would let me be who i am... free and happy.... do what i want and live happily in my way... and I will keep u happy tooo I promise! ..... :D

A dialogue with myself & HIM!

ME:

I have lived a lifetime.. trying to find my place in you... but I know I have lost... I kept struggling thru the years... to fit into you... it was perhaps baseless...pointless... I wasn't the one that filled ur gaps... I expect for you to understand me.. but who am I fooling... you wont understand... u are not meant to understand me... its like i am not the missing piece to your puzzle... I don't fit into the definition of your partner... I stand no where... and I will never stand anywhere in ur life either...
its been sooo long since i started walking with you... that now i have forgotten how to walk alone... how can i walk... was it the left foot first? or the right one??? ... see i dont know and i cant remember either... how will i do it if u would leave me so alone... loneliness creeping in me! ... there is nothing left in me i can call my own.... but whats left of me is breaking apart... tearing me inside and it shit hurts! .... i am so strong inside... was maybe... but in fronta u, i feel like this weakling who cannot even support herself to stand... i need ur shoulders... and that is what ur taking away from me! .... I need you... i hear myself saying that in my sleep too... how can i live without you...how will i breath??? you're pushing me to take another leap of faith... im blinded .... empty inside...agar tum nahe ho... tou main kia hoon... I have loved u since i came to know what love was.... and what love meant.... main ney tujhse bohot pyaar kia hai...

*there comes a voice, hardly audible to anyone but... me*

... I have always been here for you! ... it is only you who cannot fathom the love I have for you my creation ... you are walking away from me... look back and you will see ME....

Pulling thru..

...I feel I'm being pulled into this black hole.. the pull is so strong that I feel I am nothing but a weakling... i am tired of struggling and wanna just let go... Its like I don't wanna try anymore... try and make it work... or try and make it happen... still after such a long time... there is so much more time left... I know I can not hold on for long and I have had enough... after all my threshold value has given in to it... something I was dreading and thats it! .... What the F*C*.... yeah I say bad stuff.. I am not that saint... I am not coz' this cruel black hole has left me no choice.. but to become something that I never was... :( I hate myself....O! how can I hate myself... I am always in Love ...

Gone are the days when things and life itself used to be this bed of red roses... I say red coz' I love red roses.... special treatment calls for red roses.... I am not making sense... I know coz I don't want to... my reality is harsh and yet I am struggling thru this constant struggle...

YOU!

whenever I tried explaining love
it was you I ended up explaining
whenever I thought of being in love
it was you I ended up being with

main ney jab bhi mohabbat ko aik naam diya
pata nahe kion woh tumhare humnaam hoa

Alone in the Darkness!

..I know I am trying... trying so hard to love someone... feeling it inside... making the other feel the same.. but it seems so lost... so alien to me! ... it's like there are wallas... thick, hard, concrete walls.. surrounding my point of attention... my quest! ... I am walking the same path.. yet I feel alone... I feel restless... not knowing the way... there is complete darknesss.... alone ... lonesome in the darkness of someones love! ... it seems worthless... but how can LOVE be worthless.. No, it isn't... it just cannot be... it is said.. "Love is all crap, it is nothin but fakeness...Love don't exist" ... but I believe otherwise ... I know it existed before.. and it shall rise again... though the darkness overshadows now... but Love will prevail... and my hands will hold anothers.... to walk the path to eternal light!